Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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