I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
