hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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