sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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