Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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