I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
