when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
