i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
