normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize