I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize