hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
