Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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