I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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