I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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