Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
