I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
