Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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