My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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