You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
