I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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