not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
