Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
