Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
