I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize