We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
