Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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