I cannot find my penis.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
