Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
