matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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