Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
