you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
