I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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