apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
