i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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