You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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