I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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