i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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