My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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