My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
