i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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