Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
