if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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