college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
