I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
