There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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