id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
