Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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