i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Randomize
