Since when is my name a synonym for head?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
