Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
