That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
