My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize