it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
