when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize