A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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