Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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