i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
