We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
