i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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