So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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