Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
