I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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