Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
